Escape From Indianapolis
By Ed Johnson,
Babaloo Mandel and Joe Eszterhas
rewrite by Elaine May)
Director John Carpenter announced that his latest
story about cult hero Snake Plissken will be filmed in Indianapolis. Because
Escape from L.A. brought in less money than expected, the second sequel to
Escape From New York will not be set in a post-apocalyptic future.
Instead, the film is a prequel, made popular by George Lucas, set in the Hoosier
capital, just a few days from now.
The president needs Snake Plissken's help again. Following a humiliating defeat
in the gubernatorial race, a crazed Steve Goldsmith, with the help of the
Pulliam family, has constructed a startlingly realistic copy of the White House
in downtown Indianapolis, using no public funds. Goldsmith is claiming that this
is the real White House and that he is the actual president, causing great
confusion in the Indianapolis area and mild curiosity nationwide. Plissken has
only 24 hours to work his way through the many harrowing sections of
Indianapolis and end Goldsmith's silly facade.
Plissken enters Indianapolis through the far north, known as the Land's End
Zone, an effete preppy district populated by thousands of Thurston Howell the
Thirds and little Martha Stewarts, armed with plucky attitudes and pepper spray.
Plissken, shockingly underdressed for the area, engages the services of
television personalities Patty Spitler and Dick Wolfsie to assist him in
navigating the zone. Spitler agrees to cooperate, hoping that by covering
Plissken's adventures she can justify calling herself a journalist, thus
allowing her to go on more press junkets to Tinseltown. Wolfsie agrees to help
because Barney, his lovable pooch, told him to do so - in that special voice
that only Wolfsie can hear.
The glassy-eyed, effervescent duo lead Plissken past a skeptical crowd,
convincing them that the leather clad anti-hero is actually a NUVO reporter,
working on an in-depth, cutting-edge, gonzo journalism cover story entitled "The
Northside: Are These Guys Rich or What?" Within moments, Plissken and his
cohorts are swamped by locals eager to be quoted. Wolfsie panics and gets on all
fours, peering into the eyes of Barney and screeching, "Tell me what to do! You
always tell me what to do!" Spitler diverts the crowd by telling them that
finally coming to the city. Plissken slips away, snagging a
mountain bike and heading down the Monon bike trail to Broad Ripple, where he
blends in perfectly.
In Broad Ripple, Plissken pauses to collect his bearings, and is assaulted by
girlfriends of young musicians, who staple fliers to his leather jacket. While
trying to get away, he is beset by livid community leaders attempting to remove
the fliers from his person. Plissken, in his monotone Clint Eastwood parody
voice, states, "Your staples are beginning to annoy me" and shoots the lot of
them. He wrests a skateboard from a clueless post-punk teenager and races down
College Avenue, where he quickly reaches SoBro, Broad Ripple's hapless sister
neighborhood. His journey is slowed by natives who grab him while exhorting,
"We're as hip as Broad Ripple. We've got shops and pubs and coffee houses and
Unimpressed, Plissken moves south to Lil' Gangstas' Paradise. Local toughs herd
Snake to Mansbach's Drive-by Shooting Range, a target range set up by concerned
citizens hoping to help gang-bangers improve their aim, in order to reduce the
innocent bystander body count. After a spirited round of "Wing that Teen,"
Plissken swerves east and enters the Red Neck Zone, a huge U-shaped neighborhood
that surrounds the city's downtown area. As soonas he enters the Zone, Plissken
feels the IQ points being sucked out of his brain. He staggers into Value
Village, a Goodwill wannabe. He is greeted at the door by a peculiar looking
young man waving a banjo, and a pair of good old boys who compliment Snake on
his "purty mouff." Just as the oral assault is about to begin, Patty Spitler
leaps from behind a bin of sweat-stained bras, brandishing an Uzi and shouting,
"Eat lead, you hill-jack motherfuckers!" Plissken is grateful for the rescue,
but shocked by the reappearance of the fleshy reporter. "I'm with you now,
Snake," explains Spitler. "I love the excitement. From now on, consider me a
bad-ass bitch with attitude. Any asshole that crosses me will end up crawling to
the mortuary with his guts dragging behind him."
The daring duo commandeers a rusty '78 Chevy from the front yard of a nearby
church and heads for the heart of the city - Downtown: The Suits 'N' Fruits
District. As Plissken leaves the Red Neck Zone, he feels his intelligence
returning. He ditches the car, realizing it would violate the Suits 'N' Fruits
automotive dress code, and moves forward on foot with Spitler, hell-bent for
glory, close by his side.
When darkness falls, Plissken and Spitler slip into a gay bar on Massachusetts
Avenue. They are immediately surrounded by men who shower Plissken with
compliments on his leather outfit and give Spitler first prize in the evening's
transvestite beauty contest.
Refreshed, Plissken leaves the triumphant Spitler at the bar and heads for
Goldsmith's fortress, but is quickly met by a marauding band of drunken off-duty
cops, staggering from a corporate suite at Victory Field onto the downtown
streets. The group begins to pull out their guns and advance toward Plissken.
Suddenly, one of the officers slurs, "Wait a minute. He ain't black and he ain't
a woman." The policemen quickly apologize to Plissken and continue looking for
Finally, Plissken reaches the faux White House, located in the parking lot of
Victory Field. The security force is huge and seemingly impenetrable, but
Plissken is resourceful. He heads to Nancy Irsay's office with a bundle of cash
in hand. Within hours, the bogus White House is quietly moved out of
Indianapolis in the dead of night, without leaving a trace. The next morning a
shivering Steve Goldsmith is found wandering nude on the downtown streets,
mumbling, "Kiss my frostbitten ass, Indianapolis."
Plissken leaves the city in triumph, his mission for the president a complete
success. By acclamation, Patty Spitler is named mayor of Indianapolis. Fade to
black and cut to credits.